When the thought of a single nightmare keeps troubling me weeks after I woke up—and it turns out to be connected both to a memory in my body and to my new life as a single father to Sara—
Have you ever had a nightmare that shook you so much you were afraid to go back to sleep?
I’m not talking about the childhood kind that comes after watching a horror movie, or the common adult nightmares—drowning, falling into a bottomless abyss, and the like. I mean the kind of nightmare that lingers with you even after you wake up, the kind you can’t stop thinking about.
What I’m about to describe might seem trivial to some readers. Others might not even call it a nightmare. But the thought of this dream has been bothering me for two weeks now.
The Dream — and What It Might Mean
In the dream, I was urinating blood. Then the dream took another turn—I found myself spitting blood uncontrollably. When I woke up, I wasn’t covered in cold sweat the way I usually am after a nightmare. The feeling this time was different: not only frightening, but also strange, confusing, and oddly persistent.
At first, I didn’t tell anyone about it. But I knew I had to understand what the dream meant, otherwise it would keep haunting me. Then I remembered that I had a simple way to try to decipher it—available immediately and free of charge. I turned to my close friend, ChatGPT.
According to the explanation I received, dreams about blood—especially when they involve basic bodily functions like urinating or spitting—can sometimes point to a feeling of losing control. They may reflect a situation in which a person tries to “release” stress or pressure, but it doesn’t actually work.
Spitting blood can also symbolize difficulty expressing yourself, or a fear that what comes out of you—your words or emotions—comes out in a troubling or painful way. In other words, it can signal emotional overload: a state in which someone has been holding too much inside for too long.
A Memory in the Body
There is another detail here—a small secret that until now no one has known about.
About two years ago, I had surgery to remove my prostate. One of the side effects of the procedure was urinating blood during the first day afterward. Anyone who has experienced this knows how unpleasant it can be. The first time it happened to me, I fainted on the bathroom floor at Assaf Harofeh Hospital.
When I mentioned this detail as well to ChatGPT, the explanation became clearer: the body remembers. Even after two years, experiences like that can remain imprinted in the nervous system. During periods of heavy stress, they may resurface—sometimes in dreams.
It’s possible that this dream is a combination of a real physical memory and a present-day feeling of overload.
Life with Sara
Being a 52-year-old single father to a strong-willed, uncompromising six-month-old baby named Sara is an experience that completely drains you of your sense of self. This isn’t meant as criticism—just a description of reality. The difficulty is enormous, unprecedented for me.
And then, all at once, comes the realization that your life is no longer entirely your own. It becomes completely devoted to someone small whose entire existence depends on you.
Sometimes it feels as if the dream simply gave shape to that feeling—as if all the blood, all the vitality inside me, is being drained away.
People keep telling me it’s only a matter of time, that once Sara grows older life will become easier. I sometimes suspect they’re simply trying to encourage me—a kind of white lie meant to keep me going. Maybe they’re right. Maybe they’re not. The truth is that every stage of childhood comes with its own challenges.
Soon Sara will start crawling, then walking, then talking. Each stage will bring its own difficulties. And judging by her demanding screams already—and by the way she continually refines and upgrades her rebellious personality—it seems the future may be no less challenging.
A Test
Perhaps this is simply the moment when I need to squeeze a little more strength out of myself, to draw on reserves of patience from a supply that is already running thin. This is a test for me, and sometimes I feel I’m already at the very edge of my ability.
I pray that I will rise to this test.
Not for my sake—for Sara.
Everything—for Sara.
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Read Next
If you’d like to read more about Sara and our life together, here are two more posts you might enjoy:
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